Missing Men
George Lancaster ponders his growing need to rekindle friendships with other men — and the value of male fellowship as the years fly by.
How is this possible? Me, reaching out to other men? Didn’t see this coming. In my youth I saw myself a future recluse. The less human interaction the better. Tucked away in some remote wilderness, alone. And blissful. Surviving like Jeramiah Johnson in a basic hut. So why this need to connect now?
Could it be loneliness?
Don’t think so. I’ve got a wonderful family life, with a wife of 34 years (and counting) and two fabulous adult kids. Work is plentiful. And intellectually engaging. Also, I’ve always been more than satisfied with my own company. Given a choice, I prefer solitude over multitudes.
For me, one good male friend in physical proximity is ideal. And I have that now, with an archetypal Aussie mate, 10 years my senior, our enduring friendship the result of serving on a jury together. During a 17- week murder trial. Five years later we continue to meet once, sometimes twice a month at a local pub, regaling each other over beers.
So why?
Part of it stems from getting old. And facing the fact I have less years to live than I’ve lived.
This realization has put into sharp focus male group friendships I’ve savored throughout my life. Which have lain dormant. Yes, we’re separated by oceans. And by time. For some, over 50 years. But they meant something then, didn’t they? I’m pretty much the same person I was when the friendship blossomed. And I reckon they’re pretty much the same, too. Cannot the delight once felt in their combined presence be foreseeably reignited? And further nurtured?
Seems to me we’d all welcome the bonus. That a rekindling brings back warm memories of our younger selves, sharing life together. Of perhaps simpler, more relaxed times. How could this not be felt as beneficial, given the present grows ever more fraught?
Is this then what propels me? A way to mentally interrupt, for the briefest of moments, the inexorable onward progress toward eventual demise?
For a while, Facebook and its ilk seemed the answer. I jumped in with both feet. Sought folks out and scored a 99 percent connection rate. Including many I hadn’t seen/talked to for ages. Then it all began to feel false. That most people couldn’t bother to click a button, much less leave a multi-word comment of their own creation, convinced me it was all a charade. Real friends command response. In my mind, the platforms just cheapened the concept of friendship altogether. And they never succeeded in recreating that sense of group togetherness.
A rekindling brings back warm memories of our younger selves, sharing life together. Of perhaps simpler, more relaxed times. How could this not be felt as beneficial, given the present grows ever more fraught?
So, four years ago I quit social media. And tried something different. The idea percolated after being invited to a one-time group chat with old high school men friends. We all grew up in Decatur, Georgia, and all except for me remain Stateside, mostly in the South. After what I thought was a tremendous exchange, my emailed suggestion afterward, “Hey, why don’t we do this monthly?” got no response.
Maybe time has too eroded the glue that once held us together. Or worse, they took up my suggestion, are talking regularly now, but didn’t invite me back!
The second, with a similar-sized group of college mates, proved successful. I had no clue at the start how the idea would be received, but they have enthusiastically stayed with it beyond a year. And though it’s up to me to schedule, corral, and send reminders, they’re not shy about sharing how much they enjoy the regular, hour+-long group discussion. The experience gives me confidence friendships of old can be both revived and enhanced.
It’s more than just making individual male friends. It’s about recreating that lost male group dynamic. Which offers something different to what my Aussie mate and I share. It’s not driven by loneliness, but in seeking to enrich what remains of my life. I miss the male group give and take. The camaraderie. The jousting. The effortless, good-natured ribbing. The lame Dad jokes.
It’s hard enough making a single new male friend as I get older. A male group that endures? Until now, I’ve found it impossible.
Women are different. At least from my observation of one, my wife. She has many women friends she sees in groups in Australia. And she’s maintained group friendships back in the States without pause.
My male friends in high school primarily evolved from a shared love, and extended involvement, in soccer. Same during four years of college in the Midwest, heightened by living far from home with until then unknown roommates.
Not sure if I’m an outlier on this, but speaking for myself, mutual respect leading to multiple male friendships must be earned, and that can only happen after spending adequate time going through the same adventure together. When does that occur later in life? Where?
I used to find a semblance of male fellowship on older men’s soccer teams, but deteriorating knees forced retirement 10 years ago. And it never lasted. Time together was neither sufficiently prolonged nor of the requisite intensity. We’d go to the pub after games, but the conversations remained too superficial to be sustained once the season ended.
In the absence of new male group-defined opportunities, re-establishing old friendships through group Skype* chats has been an illuminating joy. Not only in rediscovering our shared respect for who we were in the past, but in realizing we can continue to deepen our friendship in the present.
And if any older male readers out there are searching for a single new male friend, might I suggest this: Embrace your civic duty and accept a jury summons. Preferably for a protracted murder trial. Going in, I had no expectation of finding mateship. But talk about intense. And at 17 weeks, it more than met the togetherness-under-shared-conditions-over-a-long-time standard. Can’t recommend it highly enough.
*We tried all the various video/chat offerings (not owned by Facebook) and Skype came out on top. Free for up to 50 simultaneous users and no time limit. Signal is limited to at most eight users, and free Zoom and Teams have time limits.
Georgia native George Lancaster now lives in Sydney, Australia, and blogs at Lancasterwrites.
